Jokes/Stories
SURVIVAL HANDBOOK FOR 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree…
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Some Mighty Fine Advice – Mental Feng Shui
- Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
- Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
- When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.
- When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.
- Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
- Believe in love at first sight.
- Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
- Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
- In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
- Don’t judge people by their relatives.
- Talk slowly but think quickly.
- When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’
- Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
- Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
- When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
- Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
- Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
- When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
- Spend some time alone.
A 5-Minute Management Course.
Lesson 1:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff ….. She’s gone !
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Puff ….. He’s gone !!
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 2:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ’It was Bob, the next-door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great!’ the husband says. ‘Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 3:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized, ‘Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for
advancement will pass right by you.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered, ‘Sure, why not.’
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough & strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the Winter.. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy ….. and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut !!!
THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Return to Paul’s Denver Real Estate Newsleter Update – July 2009
Living Better
Handbook 2009
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner
like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less
food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what
their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control.
Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with
His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away
like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your
friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32.. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Return to the Denver Real Estate Market Update – May 2009
Enlighten Perspective
By Andy Rooney
- I’ve learned….. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
- I’ve learned….. That when you’re in love, it shows.
- I’ve learned….. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.
- I’ve learned……That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
- I’ve learned….. That being kind is more important than being right.
- I’ve learned….. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
- I’ve learned….. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.
- I’ve learned….. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
- I’ve learned….. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
- I’ve learned….. That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
- I’ve learned….. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
- I’ve learned….. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
- I’ve learned….. That money doesn’t buy class.I’ve learned….. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
- I’ve learned… .That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
- I’ve learned…..That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
- I ‘ve learned….That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
- I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds.
- I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
- I’ve learned… That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
- I’ve learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
- I’ve learned… .That life is tough, but I’m tougher.I’ve learned….. That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.
- I’ve learned…..That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
- I’ve learned…..That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
- I’ve learned…..That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
- I’ve learned…..That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
- I’ve learned…..That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.
- I’ve learned…..That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
- I’ve learned….. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to
you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I’ll inherit $200 million.” Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men!